{Starring: Kristen Stewart, Chris Hemsworth and Charlize Theron}

PG-13. Action/Adventure. Running time: 2 hours & 7 minutes.

 

Ross and I had an interesting evening at the movies this past Friday.  If you haven’t noticed EVERY single movie that comes out in theatres these days is either some sort of remake or the 7th sequel of some series. (Thats called alliteration people.)

Nice honey.  Yes it was interesting.  Let’s be honest, we didn’t know what the hell we wanted to do.  Snow White appealed to both of us, but the times weren’t working.  We went to the Jupiter Inlet, watched the water and the boats, and got eaten by mosquitos.  Had some frozen yogurt,  (a review for another day), and killed just enough time to make the 10:15 PM showing.

10:15 PM…there’s the start of our adventure.  I am by no means old, but boy did I feel that way at a 10:15 PM movie.  I can’t remember the last time I went to a movie that started later than 8 o’clock.  Ross and I were feeling a bit fickle as we mulled over getting a large popcorn.  We always get popcorn, its basically sacreligious not to.

Actually, we were a bit delerious because we were thinking of experimenting with a large popcorn and no drink.

Experimenting is an interesting choice of words.  What Ross means is, I turned around and asked, “Baby, what do you want to drink?”  To which he replied, “Nothing.”  Then I laughed and said, “What the hell are you going to do, beg the guy next to you for a sip of his diet coke…we’ll be choking in there.”  Needless to say there was more excitement at the usher’s stand.

Indeed there was my darling.  I handed him our tickets and he said, “2nd theater on your left”.  Well I happened to spot a poster of the soon to be released Bourne movie, without Matt Damon, to my right and had to go check it out.  The dude lost his mind; “NO!  I said to the left!!”  Easy kimosabe, I’m just checking out a friggin’ poster.  Anyway, to top it off, the theater is packed, so cold you could hang meat in it and the seat next to us was “Out of Order”.  I shit you not, the fucking seat was Out of Order!

You are probably asking yourself the same question I did, “How the hell can a seat be out of order?”  I mean, it appeared to have the usual makings of a theatre seat – cushion, back and arms.  Anyways, lets put the time, popcorn, usher and seat incidents aside and start talking about the movie.  It may tip you off a bit, since we’ve been blabbing -that the movie was by far the least interesting occurrence of the night.

Yes, the movie.  It wasn’t horrible.  It also wasn’t very good.  Too long.  Too dark.  Kristen Stewart reminds me of a female Hugh Grant.  No range and plays the same character in every movie.  She Bella’d her way through this one, with one tiny scene of something resembling passionate acting.  Charlize Theron was way over the top as the evil Queen, trying to steal every scene.  Chris “Thor” Hemsworth wasn’t bad as the damaged Huntsman.  But the best part of the movie, BY FAR, were the “dwarves”, played by full size actors including Ian McShane, Ray Winstone, a very old looking Bob Hoskins and Eddie Marsan (Inspector Lestrade from the Sherlock Holmes movies).  They came in very late and were grossly underused.  I have a way of judging how much I like a movie.  When it comes out on DVD will I rush to get it?  Can’t wait to see it again?  If the answer is “yes”, well that is very good.  Snow White?  Maybe when it’s finally on HBO, if there’s nothing else on at 1AM.

Well, here I go, defending Kristen Stewart again.  I can’t help that I love tween themed entertainment.  I’m bordering a Twihard and I’m proud of that.  However, I do admit that I feel as though everytime I turn around there’s some Twilight star trying to break free of their defining role.  I thought Stewart was the wrong choice for this one.  She is a beautiful girl, but she just didn’t capture the essence of this childhood heroine.  I agree that Charlize was trying to steal every scene as the evil queen Raveena, but more often than not she was successful.  I found myself captivated by her portrayal of the wretched queen.  Some of the scenes were a bit over-the-top.  For instance, the one featuring her bathing in some sort of white, milky plaster…or whatever the hell it was supposed to be.  Overall, I felt that the film was lacking something.  I did enjoy the dwarves, but as Ross said we could have used a lot more of them.  The movie kept the integrity of the fairytale, but tried to make up for its lack of heart with too much action.

I have a feeling honey that we’ll be pretty close on our final ratings of this movie.  I definitely had more fun getting there than I did watching.  But then again, I would have a fantastic time watching grass grow with you my love.  Let’s wrap this puppy up.  We’ve already spent more time on it than it deserved.

I could not agree more.  He’s so fucking sweet, isn’t he?

Maria’s rating: 2.5 Gummy Bears out of 5.

Ross’ rating: I concur my darling.  2.5 Gummies, for the dwarves!