Written by E. L James.  530 pages.  20 hours of listening on 16 CD’s if you’re into books on CD.  Romance/Erotica.

I was so excited for listening to this audio book as Ross and I embarked on our 22 hour journey North.  We had a wedding in Rhode Island and Ross had a horse racing tournament in Saratoga, New York, so we figured driving would be the best form of transportation.  Plus, we love a road trip.  The last time we did this trek was when I moved to Jupiter, so we knew we wanted plenty of options for entertainment along our way.  A few friends of mine had been raving about Fifty Shades of Grey and I had read several articles about the popularity of the book.  As you can imagine, I was intrigued.  Especially when I first heard the premise was based around a BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, masochism and sadomasochism) couple experimenting with new and unusual sexual frontiers.  Sign me up.  We purchased the 16 CDs at our local Barnes & Noble and both of us were waiting with bated breath.  We decided it would be our first choice of entertainment as we began the long trip.  Five minutes in, I looked at Ross and we both realized we had made a crucial error.

Oh what a horrible mistake!  I too was excited to hear Fifty Shades of Grey.  I was looking forward to some racy sex to pass the time in the car.  Anyone who knows Maria and I, knows that we would never turn down some good, old  fashioned smut.  Not to mention we both love a good book.  Unfortunately, this book is the most horribly written piece of crap.  Frankly, I am more concerned with the human race as a whole than I have ever been before, because this abomination has been on bestseller lists around the world and has even broken Harry Potter records!?  Within the aforementioned, five minutes in, we had heard at least ten words used over and over again.  Anastasia Steele, our “heroine”, gets “flushed”, “blushes”, “gazes”, has her “heart hammering in her throat”, and exclaims “holy crap!” on nearly every page.  And that’s just to name a few.  In addition, she is also a 21 year old college senior with a vivacious roommate.  She is described to be attractive but is a virgin and has never even been kissed.  Yeah, that’s believable.  I have to give the computer back to Maria now because I can’t stop shuddering.

Like a pre pubescent teen – Anastasia Steele is confused by the tickle in her panties…YAH, right!  The female lead is absolutely not representative of her demographic.  I know this because not so long ago, I WAS her demographic & knew a large cross section as well.  The incredible fabrication of this character is only rivaled by the cliche Mr. Christian Grey.  Grey is every woman’s fantasies melded into one human being.  A cultured billionaire who flies his own helicopters, has a huge dong and a constant stream of sunshine straight out of his ass.  Don’t waste your time reading the 530 pages of drivel…follow us instead!  I don’t want to blow smoke up my own ass, but our blog is very well written in comparison to this trash.  Ross said he had wished we saved the money and spent it on a tank of gas.  I could not imagine making it through the full 20 hours of audio.  In truth, we would both like our wasted 8 hours back, which is about all we could bear.  One more minute of the glorified romance novel and I feared that my driver would swerve off the road in hopes of hitting a tree.  Anything to make Becca Battoe stop narrating this horribly written garbage.  I’m aghast that its done so well, but I’ll give you my positive swing on that front shortly.

Amazingly we made it through the eqivalent of about 200 pages of the book, a monumental feat on our part if I do say so.  We just kept saying, “it has to get better, doesn’t it?”  When E. L. James finally gets to the sex, which is forever, it gets worse!  How is that possible??  The “World’s Most Interesting Man” and sick fuck, Christian Grey finally gives it to the mousy, miserable excuse for a human being Anastasia Steele.  And I just wanted a meteor to fall on them.  “He unzipped his jeans and freed his considerable member, Oh My!”  “I’m going to take you from behind now Miss Steele.”  It took everything I had not to puke up the Smartfood popcorn we had just eaten.  The whole dominant and submissive thing is not for me either, but that being said, if the writing wasn’t so fucking putrid I could have easily gotten into the story.  E. L. James (and I’m POSITIVE she calls herself that to be like J. K. Rowling) is easily the worst writer I’ve ever experienced.  Two things I wish: that I could get that 8 hours back, would rather have spent it getting a root canal or two.  And, that this review stops you from even considering reading Fifty Shades of Grey. 

I am a huge True Blood fan, as some of you know.  I’ve read all 12 books by Charlaine Harris – and let me tell you what’s different about these two series.  True Blood is written in a way that is so over the top and tongue in cheek, that it makes fun of itself.  James would have been wise to not take her blatantly fictional fantasy so seriously.  Even during the sex, it could not keep my interest.  Sadly, I think this book is an outlet for sexually dissatisfied women, apparently worldwide.  Fortunately, I do not fall into that category.  Perhaps thats why I just could not get into it.  I figure if I was hard up the book may have been better.  The one saving grace is that sales of sex toys has risen, making the stock market stay in the green.  One sex shop in Broward county has reported a 300% increase in demand for bondage items.  I cannot get onboard with the actual book, but I can stand behind it for the boost its giving our shaky economy.  Also, I like that it’s encouraging women to embrace their sexuality.  I just wish that it had been a piece of writing that exhibited some talent and taste.

Ross Rating: Zero Bookmarks out of 5.

Maria’s Rating: 1 Bookmark.