Book Review: Fifty Shades of Grey

Published August 10, 2012 by mrsrag

Written by E. L James. 530 pages. 20 hours of listening on 16 CD’s if you’re into books on CD. Romance/Erotica.

I was so excited for listening to this audio book as Ross and I embarked on our 22 hour journey North. We had a wedding in Rhode Island and Ross had a horse racing tournament in Saratoga, New York, so we figured driving would be the best form of transportation. Plus, we love a road trip. The last time we did this trek was when I moved to Jupiter, so we knew we wanted plenty of options for entertainment along our way. A few friends of mine had been raving about Fifty Shades of Grey and I had read several articles about the popularity of the book. As you can imagine, I was intrigued. Especially when I first heard the premise was based around a BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, masochism and sadomasochism) couple experimenting with new and unusual sexual frontiers. Sign me up. We purchased the 16 CDs at our local Barnes & Noble and both of us were waiting with bated breath. We decided it would be our first choice of entertainment as we began the long trip. Five minutes in, I looked at Ross and we both realized we had made a crucial error.

Oh what a horrible mistake! I too was excited to hear Fifty Shades of Grey. I was looking forward to some racy sex to pass the time in the car. Anyone who knows Maria and I, knows that we would never turn down some good, old fashioned smut. Not to mention we both love a good book. Unfortunately, this book is the most horribly written piece of crap. Frankly, I am more concerned with the human race as a whole than I have ever been before, because this abomination has been on bestseller lists around the world and has even broken Harry Potter records!? Within the aforementioned, five minutes in, we had heard at least ten words used over and over again. Anastasia Steele, our “heroine”, gets “flushed”, “blushes”, “gazes”, has her “heart hammering in her throat”, and exclaims “holy crap!” on nearly every page. And that’s just to name a few. In addition, she is also a 21 year old college senior with a vivacious roommate. She is described to be attractive but is a virgin and has never even been kissed. Yeah, that’s believable. I have to give the computer back to Maria now because I can’t stop shuddering.

Like a pre pubescent teen – Anastasia Steele is confused by the tickle in her panties…YAH, right! The female lead is absolutely not representative of her demographic. I know this because not so long ago, I WAS her demographic & knew a large cross section as well. The incredible fabrication of this character is only rivaled by the cliche Mr. Christian Grey. Grey is every woman’s fantasies melded into one human being. A cultured billionaire who flies his own helicopters, has a huge dong and a constant stream of sunshine straight out of his ass. Don’t waste your time reading the 530 pages of drivel…follow us instead! I don’t want to blow smoke up my own ass, but our blog is very well written in comparison to this trash. Ross said he had wished we saved the money and spent it on a tank of gas. I could not imagine making it through the full 20 hours of audio. In truth, we would both like our wasted 8 hours back, which is about all we could bear. One more minute of the glorified romance novel and I feared that my driver would swerve off the road in hopes of hitting a tree. Anything to make Becca Battoe stop narrating this horribly written garbage. I’m aghast that its done so well, but I’ll give you my positive swing on that front shortly.

Amazingly we made it through the eqivalent of about 200 pages of the book, a monumental feat on our part if I do say so. We just kept saying, “it has to get better, doesn’t it?” When E. L. James finally gets to the sex, which is forever, it gets worse! How is that possible?? The “World’s Most Interesting Man” and sick fuck, Christian Grey finally gives it to the mousy, miserable excuse for a human being Anastasia Steele. And I just wanted a meteor to fall on them. “He unzipped his jeans and freed his considerable member, Oh My!” “I’m going to take you from behind now Miss Steele.” It took everything I had not to puke up the Smartfood popcorn we had just eaten. The whole dominant and submissive thing is not for me either, but that being said, if the writing wasn’t so fucking putrid I could have easily gotten into the story. E. L. James (and I’m POSITIVE she calls herself that to be like J. K. Rowling) is easily the worst writer I’ve ever experienced. Two things I wish: that I could get that 8 hours back, would rather have spent it getting a root canal or two. And, that this review stops you from even considering reading Fifty Shades of Grey.

I am a huge True Blood fan, as some of you know. I’ve read all 12 books by Charlaine Harris – and let me tell you what’s different about these two series. True Blood is written in a way that is so over the top and tongue in cheek, that it makes fun of itself. James would have been wise to not take her blatantly fictional fantasy so seriously. Even during the sex, it could not keep my interest. Sadly, I think this book is an outlet for sexually dissatisfied women, apparently worldwide. Fortunately, I do not fall into that category. Perhaps thats why I just could not get into it. I figure if I was hard up the book may have been better. The one saving grace is that sales of sex toys has risen, making the stock market stay in the green. One sex shop in Broward county has reported a 300% increase in demand for bondage items. I cannot get onboard with the actual book, but I can stand behind it for the boost its giving our shaky economy. Also, I like that it’s encouraging women to embrace their sexuality. I just wish that it had been a piece of writing that exhibited some talent and taste.

Ross Rating: Zero Bookmarks out of 5.

Maria’s Rating: 1 Bookmark.

Theme Park Review: Lake Compounce

Published July 28, 2012 by mrsrag

Located at 186 Enterprise Drive, Bristol, CT 06010. Almost directly across the street from ESPN Studios, which is pretty cool. www.lakecompounce.com. Phone: 860 583-3300.

I realize we are South Florida based and many of our reviews are area specific. However, we do many movie reviews, which are fairly universal and we felt that we should branch out even more, especially since we travel quite a bit. So, on our recent vacation northward, we made our way to the very quaint Lake Compounce amusement park. Centrally located, it can be driven to in fairly reasonable time from NY, RI, MA, even NJ or other parts of New England. Compounce is a combination of water park on one side and standard amusement park on the other. Getting a locker is a must, because you’ll definitely want to change either out of wet clothes or into your bathing suit at some point. They’re only $5 (you give them $10 and they give you $5 back when you return the key), which we found out is a real bargain as we just paid $14 at the Rapids (our local water park and a review for another day). It was a gorgeous summer day and we went with my good friend Bruce, his wife Kris and Bruce’s two daughters. Ethan and I had been before but it was Maria’s first time.

I had been up in New York visiting family before meeting up with Ross and Ethan in RI. He told me we’d probably make a trip to Compounce at some point the next week. I don’t ever remember even hearing about this amusement park, but sure enough after he mentioned the name it seemed I couldn’t escape the t.v. commercials. They were hard selling their roller coaster, Boulder Dash, voted New England’s #1 wooden coaster. I found myself quite intrigued and could not wait to explore the whole park. As soon as we were settled, with our lockers and park maps, we started off toward the kiddie rides. Warm up time. The first ride we lined up for was The Wave Swinger, better known at any other theme park as ‘the swings’. I always forget how much I dislike this ride until I’m up there swinging around, waiting patiently for the damn thing to stop. Thank goodness we hadn’t eaten beforehand because I would have blown chunks and I think Ross agreed judging by the nauseous glance he gave me toward the end. We hit a few rides for the kids, one of which I really liked called Drop Zone. It’s just a very mini replica of the big drop tower called Down Time. Personally, the 185 foot drop terrifies me, so this kids drop suited me just fine. We made our way over to the line for Boulder Dash, which impressively moved right along. We had no idea what kind of a ride awaited us.

OMG, Boulder Dash! Before I get to the details, a little side story. My buddy Bruce recently got into a wicked car accident, where his truck was totalled – he’s lucky to be alive. Subsequently he’s had back pain and found out he has some disc damage. He had just been cleared to resume somewhat of a normal, active life but with a caveat that another substantial trauma could leave him in a very bad way. Well we were all in line, when at the last second he decided not to go. The best decision he’s ever made. I’m positive we would have ended up in the ER if he had gone, Boulder Dash is a BEAST. It winds through the hills and the woods, an idyllic setting really, and the first drop is 115 feet and it’s awesome (I LOVE A big drop), but after that it becomes pure mayhem. It says it reaches speeds of 60+ MPH and it feels way up on the plus side. Between the old school wood, nearly unbearable bumping at ferocious speeds and razor sharp turns, like my honey said, “it felt like we were one loose bolt from disaster.” My son Ethan (he’s 8 as some of you know) was sitting next to me and he was screaming, blood-curdlers the whole time, or was that me? It was hard to tell. At any rate we survived and wobbled our way off, but I don’t think I’ll be taking on Boulder Dash again anytime soon.

I’m glad we went on. That being said, I will NEVER be embarking on that coaster again. I had the worst headache when we finally got off. Ross’ hair looked like he had stuck his finger in an electrical socket. And Ethan’s throat was sore. We decided to find some relief over at the water park, so we ditched our companions and met them later at what Compounce calls ‘Crocodile Cove’. The park has a clever set up, with lockers located right between the different theme parks. We stopped at our locker to drop off our dry clothes and picked up our towels before heading over to the wave pool. They have all the usual favorites; lazy river, twisting water slides and a family raft ride. There’s a nice area called ‘Clipper Cove’ for smaller children, with a fun pirate ship and smaller slides. There was one slide I really enjoyed, it was one of the three Tunnel Twister’s – as they’re collectively called. It was my favorite because it was open, so you don’t get that horrible claustraphobic feeling. Listen, its no Rapids, but it’s a fairly decent water park considering its attached to a dry park as well. My only question is why wouldn’t you place the log flume in the water park section? When we finally made it back over to the dry side, we didn’t stay dry very long.

Good point Maria. And I may add, the flume was my only real disappointment of the day. It certainly is no Splash Mountain or Rip Saw Falls – that’s for sure. All in all Lake Compounce is a great park and a fantastic value. At $37 for adults, $27 for kids under 4 ft 4 in tall and a mere $19 for gramps and granny, you’d be hard pressed to find a better deal. If you live close enough, they have an amazing offer of $80 for the entire season! Compounce is open half of May, most of June and all of July and August with a finale of 5 days in September. There is something there for all ages, and honestly you should probably spend a couple of days if you want to get to everything. No matter where you are in the country reading this, you probably go on vacation at some point. If your travels take you to the northeast, absolutely consider Lake Compounce. And if you have any huge sports fans in the family, take a tour of the ESPN complex while you’re there.

I had a fantastic time, but I always do with the company I keep. Lake Compounce is just a great place for the family. It’s decently priced, there are a variety of rides to fit everyone’s taste and its just small enough to keep track of everybody. You won’t have a problem running into your group at some point if you happen to diverge from the crowd. We had some tasty snacks, shared some belly laughs and enjoyed a few really cool attractions. Of course, we almost lost our lives on Boulder Dash. Fool me once, shame on you…fool me twice, shame on me. I won’t be trying that rattling death machine ever again.

Ross’ Rating: 4 Roller Coasters out of 5.

Maria’s Rating: 4 Coasters.

Movie Review: Ice Age: Continental Drift

Published July 24, 2012 by mrsrag

Starring the voices of: Ray Romano, John Leguizamo, Denis Leary, Queen Latifah, Peter Dinklage, Wanda Sykes, Jennifer Lopez.

Rated PG. Animated. Running Time: 1 hour 34 minutes.

If you’re wondering if you should dish out the cash to go see another Ice Age movie, just take a look at the all star cast. In the fourth installment of this series Manny, Diego and Sid meet some new leading ladies and a few menacing men. The Ice Age veterans are joined by newcomers Jennifer Lopez, Wanda Sykes, Peter Dinklage and a few cameos including rappers Drake and Nicki Minaj. Manny, Diego and Sid find themselves floating from their comfortable home following an unfortunate shift in the continents. The shift is caused by the acorn obsessed Scrat, one of my favorite recurring characters.

Yes, who knew that Scrat single handedly turned the super continent, Pangea, into the seven continents we have today. And all in pursuit of his unattainable acorn. Last month the Madagascar gang had their chance, and now Ice Age’s strangest herd in history, bring us their fourth epic adventure. As Maria has told you, the original three: Manny, Sid and Diego are floating away on a large slab of ice and get separated from their extended family of Ellie (Manny’s mate), Peaches (their daughter) and Crash and Eddie (the two opposums and Ellie’s “brothers”.) They have to get back before the rest of the animals get forced into the ocean by the new, moving continents. As you might guess, there are numerous obstacles in their way. The biggest would be a boatload of pirates, led by the menacing simian, Captain Gutt, voiced brilliantly by the always awesome Dinklage. (If you haven’t seen Game of Thrones on HBO, you should watch it just for his turn as Tyrion Lannister.) Other notable newcomers are Sid’s Granny, voiced by Wanda Sykes and Shira (JLo) a feline member of Gutt’s crew, but ultimately a love interest for Diego (Leary). Granny ended up with the guys after Sid’s family dropped in and abandoned her. They aren’t a very loving bunch, as fans of the series know, but we did get to meet the famous Uncle Fungus, if just briefly. Sykes’ Granny is one of the highlights of the movie, as she steals every scene she is in.

You stole the thought right out of my head. Sykes was, by far, my favorite new addition. She is just consistently rad, her stand-up “I’ma Be Me” is amazing. Back to ‘Continental Drift’, I did thoroughly enjoy this movie. Although, I also thoroughly despise paying extra for 3D, which every single animated movie seems to be. But I know I’ve complained about this before – so I’ll save my spiel. I think what I enjoy most about the Ice Age movies is the way they intermingle the childish humor with adult jokes. Not all of the kids movie’s pull this off quite as cleverly. One of my other favorite things to do with these animated films is to try and guess who’s voices are behind the characters. This movie boggled my mind, other than JLO and Sykes. I was so surprised that Dinklage was the voice of Gutt!

I’m not a fan of the nearly universal 3D movies either. It does seem to be just a money grab, but as Maria said, enough of that. As I’ve mentioned before, the animated movies for kids are much more likely to entertain than the rest of the movies they pump out of Hollywood. I enjoyed the fourth Ice Age. The new characters were a good fit, the story was a little far-fetched, but hell they were being chased by a dinosaur in the last one (even Sid made a joke about that). It was a good time and an hour and a half well spent. That all being said, I did have the feeling that this should be it for the gang. I’m not saying I wouldn’t go to the next one if they made it, but I think it’s time to wrap it up. It was my least favorite of the four, and I’d hate to leave an Ice Age movie that I didn’t like. Maybe just give Scrat his own show on Nickelodeon.

I agree darling, I think 4 is enough. And I would totally be watching the Scrat show.

Ross’ Rating: 3.5 Gummy Bears out of 5.

Maria’s Rating: 3 Gummies.

Restaurant Review: Cantina Laredo

Published July 19, 2012 by mrsrag

Location: 4635 PGA Blvd., Palm Beach Gardens, FL 33418. Phone: 561 622-1223. www.cantinalaredo.com

“Modern Mexican” is the tagline for Cantina Laredo, a chain of restaurants located in 15 states, the UK and also The United Arab Emirates. I think of it as “upscale” Mexican, personally. And while you can get many of the staples that one thinks of when craving something from south of the border; like tacos or enchiladas, you can also get an assortment of steaks, fajitas that include quail as a main ingredient, chicken dishes stuffed with shrimp or covered with artichoke hearts, mushrooms and spinach, and a fish of the day. There is also my personal favorite, Carnitas, which are braised pork shanks topped with a spicy chipotle-wine sauce. The meat is so tender, all you need is a fork, and the sauce sometimes catches up to me when I’d rather it didn’t, but so worth it!

I absolutely love Mexican food. Throughout my years in college I worked at a small Mexican joint in Wakefield, Rhode Island. It had the best guacamole and this unforgettable fish taco topped with a chipotle mayo coleslaw. It was a small mom and pop operation called Surfin’ Tacos, and in my humble opinion it was one of the first establishments that revolutionized the way Mexican food was prepared. They used all fresh ingredients and bought local from RI farms. Since then there’s been a high influx of these “fresh” and “gourmet” Mexican chains. Surfin’ Tacos didn’t stay afloat, but I still think of it fondly…especially when I think about all the cooking experience and killer recipes that I acquired. I still follow their recipes and think of myself as a fairly ruthless judge when it comes to Mexican food as a whole. This was my first time at Cantina Laredo and I wasn’t sure what to expect. I had heard from several people that their guacamole was unbelievable, so that was the first thing I ordered. The thing I most liked about this was watching our server prepare it tableside. They used almost all the same ingredients that I use when I make it at home, with a few added surprises. I found the guac very flavorful and enjoyed it thoroughly. I even made some mental notes on how to amend my recipe at home!

“What the faaahhkk? Eat some guac!!” An actual line Maria said to me one day when we were being silly. Thinking we might pitch it to avocado growers as the tagline for an ad campaign. Maybe not. Anyway, the guacamole is fabulous and made to order, no small dish from the back room that’s been sitting there all day. A certain, “must order”, for any chunky, green-dipping lover. The ambiance is also quite good at Cantina Laredo. Soft lighting, very clean with plenty of cozy booths. As luck would have it, we were there on a Wednesday, and they happen to have a promotion of half price bottles of wine every hump day. (Not sure what it is about Wednesdays. If you save room, you can go across the street to Spoto’s for dollar oyster shooters too.) The wine list is not that bad, decent selection, and our $27 bottle became $13.50. Nice. Almost Publix priced.

The half priced bottle of wine was a definite bonus. For my main dish I had the fish of the day, a Chilean sea bass in a delicious mango buerre blanc. It was delightful! My only complaint would be the filet size. Whoever said size doesn’t matter wasn’t talking about sea bass. As a matter of fact – I don’t agree with that statement at all, but I digress. I do understand it was most likely a lunch portion and Chilean sea bass prices are through the roof, but I thought they could have given me a few more ounces for my buck. The food was good, but I did feel that it was minutely overpriced. Overall, I had a nice experience and would definitely revisit on a Wednesday for the wine deal. I am just the type of woman who likes to get her money’s worth. Furthermore, I prefer to get my Mexican food at some hole-in-the-wall stand in California, with a tiny Mexican woman cooking up my carne asada burrito. Of course, that can’t always be a reality. But, some of you will understand – once you’ve been there for Mexican, it just doesn’t seem the same anywhere else.

I can understand her feelings here. She has a much more extensive backround in Mexican food than I do. Maybe I can find her that special hole-in-the-wall, I’ll try. Another problem though, other than the size issue, is Maria is totally spoiled when it comes to Chilean sea bass. You see, The River House has the BEST you can find anywhere, and we are forever comparing to them, quite unsuccessfully I might add. I will suggest she tries something else on our next visit. If you are driving home from work and hankering for Mexican with a $10 bill in your pocket, stop at Taco Bell and get a bag of tacos. If you get home from work, and you and your honey would like to sit down and enjoy a well prepared Mexican dinner, by all means, give Cantina Laredo a try. And if it’s Wednesday, even better.

Maria’s Rating: 3 out of 5 Wine Glasses.

Ross Rating: 3.75 Wine Glasses.

Movie Review: Magic Mike

Published July 17, 2012 by mrsrag

Starring: Matthew McConaughey, Channing Tatum and Alex Pettyfer

Rated R. Running time: 110 minutes

Ladies, leave your significant other at home for this outting – I guarantee he’ll be thankful. This movie is 110 minutes of pure hip girating, stage humping and chiseled abs bliss. Perhaps I wouldn’t have found it as entertaining if I didn’t have my girlfriend Alex with me, who was all but trying to shove dollar bills through the screen. During this film you should not expect your fellow watchers to stay quiet – as we were not the only women hooting and hollering in the theatre. I guess there was a plot, but it was hard to stay focused with a half naked Channing Tatum running around. Mainly, the story is about a veteran male stripper who takes a stripping “virgin” under his wing. He not only teaches him to work the crowd and make some serious cash, but also how to party hard and pick up women. McConaughey does a fantastic job as Dallas, the owner/operator of the club ‘Xquisite’. His delivery is not only hilarious, but somewhat genuine. As we know from celebrity gossip, McConaughey enjoys hanging out in the nude and playing bongos – both of which are featured in the film. Another noteworthy performance is Channing Tatum, as Mike. He’s the “captain” of this strip squad and judging by his moves on stage – with good reason. My girlfriends and sisters and mothers and every other red blooded woman on the planet had been talking this guy up. I wasn’t a huge fan until I saw the talent he exhibited in this film. And the other things he exhibited also.

So, as you few proud, brave and loyal followers of MRSRAG know, we are a team in our reviews as well as our lives. This is the first, and possibly the last, review you will ever see that both of us have not seen, tasted, witnessed, or experienced the happenings reported on. That being said, I believe I have some pertinent input to impart. Firstly, when Maria said she wanted to see this movie, I was all for her going with her friend and not me. I am not homophobic, but I couldn’t possibly understand why any heterosexual male would want to see it. Also, I am very confident in our relationship, and totally understand if she would like to see, and hoot at some beefcake. I ain’t all bad, but beefcake, I am not. Finally, a funny anecdote: we were staying with my childhood/best friend Bruce, his lovely wife Kris and their awesome daughter Hannah at the time. We had done our own thing for the day, as they did. They came home to find our rental gone, but also tons of lights and the TV on when they arrived. With puzzled looks they asked me with their eyes, huh? I said, oh Maria went out with her friend Alex to see the movie Magic Mike. It’s about male strippers, I’m good with missing that one. A few minutes later, Kris sits down next to me and with a worried tone and look says, “Maria went with her guy friend to see Magic Mike?” I laughed and said, no, Alex is a girl. I’m confident in our relationship, but that scenario wouldn’t have fit into my comfort zone. It was a funny aside though, don’t you think?

I found that very funny. Also, I would like to mention that Bruce’s other daugther Amanda (21), informed us that Channing Tatum was, in fact, a male stripper. Apparently, the story is loosely based on Tatum’s knowledge of the industry. This explains A LOT. Especially the epic solo dancing and choreographed numbers he nailed. Needless to say, beefcake body aside, I was impressed. Although, when it comes down to it, the two lead characters (Tatum and McConaughey) are just playing exaggerated versions of themselves. Newcomer Pettyfer holds his own as “the kid” too, which is not to be overlooked in this intimidating cast. Well, they must have been doing something right – as I understand it, the sequel has already been confirmed and they have plans to take it to broadway! Honestly, apart from the wonderful visuals, Magic Mike was lacking something, maybe heart. Director Steven Soderberg didn’t skimp on any of the nudity…so that wasn’t it. The movie was definitely entertaining, but I probably could have waited until it came out on DVD. Fortuantely for the cast & crew, I believe my fellow female viewers couldn’t wait that long! And will assuredly be lined up at Broadway ticket booths and to view the sequeal ASAP.

I don’t really have anything else to contribute to this review. I will give Maria props for not inadvertantly screaming out “Channing” or “Matthew” when we were finally alone in the dark later that night. She did buy me a pair of tear away pants and bongos the next day though. J.K.

Maria’s Rating: 3.5 Gummy Bears out of 5.

Ross’ Rating: N/A. But… 2.5 Gummies for not having to go. (Would’ve been 5 except for the 2.5 that came off for not being with Maria for 4 hours.)

Airline Review: Spirit Air

Published July 17, 2012 by mrsrag

http://www.spirit.com

This review was not planned. You didn’t see it on our “Coming Soon” page. We felt compelled to write it, you’ll see why. Recently we went on vacation for a couple of weeks and we were looking for flights. Actually, Maria went to NY first to visit her family and Ethan and I followed about a week later. We needed two round trips for E and I, and a one way for Maria’s trip home. In the process of looking, we stumbled upon Spirit, who we had never flown with before. Their prices were considerably lower than everyone else, so obviously, we booked with them. Not the best move we’ve ever made.

Spirit is an exceptionally fitting name for this airline, because that is exactly what they suck out of you. Your entire will to live. Firstly, we were charged $33.00 for our checked bags. I had purposely brought one duffel bag and a personal item. Since I didn’t use Spirit on the way up – that bag flew up North for free. I was shocked to find that Spirit charges $35.00 per carry on item…2 bucks more!! So I figured checking it would be better than paying more to tote the lousy thing around. If this was the only thing that chafed my ass about Spirit, I could have gotten over it rather quickly. But there’s so much more…$10.00 to pick your seat. Obviously, the three of us travelling togther wanted to ensure that we sat next to each other. Especially Ross and Ethan. There’s another 30 bucks down the drain. The fare just keeps climbing. Not to mention these assholes don’t even have a recline button on your $10.00 seat. Never before had I witnessed an airline seat that doesn’t even offer the minute luxury of that extra inch and a half that I honestly look forward to. You know that feeling when you’ve reached cruising altitude, you turn on your acceptable electronic device and you push that little silver button. That button represents something to me…it represents dignity, decency and the tiniest bit of integrity that airlines still possess. Not Spirit though.

Decency? Integrity? Not on Spirit. Nothing is free with Spirit. Not only do you not get peanuts or pretels or a soda for free, which you get on EVERY airline. You have to pay for water too! Frigging water? Are you shitting me??!! I suppose you could gag down some non-potable from the bathroom, but I’ll tell you one thing, they would drag my desiccated corpse from my non-reclineable seat before I would give them a penny for water. “Spirit Air-cheap tickets” is what comes up at the top of their website. I suppose the tickets are cheap, but NOTHING else on Spirit is. $33 for our checked bag on the way up. $20 for our seats. $66 for our two bags on the way home and another $30 for our seats. That’s an extra $149 added to the “cheap” tickets. All of a sudden Southwest was looking better and better. And I could have had some honey roasted peanuts AND a Diet Coke. Dammit!!

Ross loves to exaggerate, but he’s actually telling the God’s honest truth – even the water wasn’t free. The one redeeming thing I can say about the airline is that we made it home alive. In some of Ross’ favorite words: Thanks a pant load. We truly appreciate the “Fast Bag Drop” we qualified for as well. We almost missed the flight and we stayed at a hotel exactly one minute away. “Fast Bag Drop” my ass. Lastly, to put it in perspective for you, they don’t even have those shitty magazines in the seat back pocket. Couldn’t even splurge on that! I will be happy if I never fly with them again. Ever.

I forgot about the mags, or lack there of. What a fucking joke of an airline. Finally, they were hard selling this Spirit Airline credit card near the end of the flight. “Just fill out the application and get a free one way ticket!” First thing about that is, you’d have to fly Spirit again. Yeah right! And I’m thinking, if there are no strings attached to that “free” ticket, I’ll walk bare-assed home from RI next time. I’d rather do that, in a blizzard, with icicles hanging from Little Ross than ever fly Spirit again.

Maria’s Rating: 1 Wing out of 5.

Ross’ Rating: 0.5 Wings. (For not crashing)

Bar Review: The Rum Bar

Published July 13, 2012 by mrsrag

11511 Ellison Wilson Road, North Palm Beach, FL 33408. On the southeast corner of the intracoastal waterway and PGA Blvd. Phone: 561 627-1545. www.panama-hatties.com

Have you ever had one of those nights when you say, “Wow, how did I get this wasted?” Well, I haven’t had one of those in a while. Usually, at the start of the night I have a decent gauge on how much I am planning to drink, but I shocked the hell out of myself on our first night back home. Ross and I found out about a deal at Spoto’s (our favorite raw bar spot – and a review for another day), so we headed out for some oyster shooters and then decided to swing by our favorite little tiki bar. Apparently, the technical name is ‘The Cruzan Rum Bar’, but we just call it ‘The Rum Bar’. Always have, always will. We had a few glasses of wine at Spoto’s and thought a nice pina colada would top off our own little welcoming party.

I see where you’re going here my dear. I’ll take a little side trip before we finish that story. The Rum Bar has been my favorite for several years now. The combination of awesome location, great drinks and always friendly service are nearly unparalleled. Maria and I are closing in on our first year together, and Rum Bar was one of the first places I took her when she arrived from NY. She quickly came to love the place like I do. It’s just right anytime of day. You want an afternoon libation? Go and sit at the back bar and watch the boats glide by on the intracoastal. Or maybe you are a boater, as we are on occasion (renting is nice, no headaches), so just pull up to the dock out back and tie up before you tie one on. Perhaps the nighttime is more your thing. The weekends are packed. Kick off your shoes, take a walk in the sand and play a little ring toss or if it’s cool enough, sit around a blazing fire while you sip the best pina colada you’ll ever have. I’ve never been a huge fan of the food, but they recently changed the menu for the better, and we had a couple of extremely edible items on one of our recent trips. Saul (pronounced sah-ool, aka The Moneymaker), Kevin or the recently returned Mike (you were sorely missed my friend), or any of the other bartenders will always take good care of you. They’ll even change that ‘hammer to the head’ Jimmy Buffet channel if you ask them nicely.

I had no preconceived notions about the food, because up until our last visit I had never had it. So, we perused the revamped menu and I ordered something called the black and bleu burger. Blackened beef patty smothered in melted bleu cheese, topped with bacon on a fresh bulky roll. It’s not my usual burger order, but I was more than pleasantly surprised. It was exactly what I was in the mood for and although I gave Ross a few bites, I had to fight him off at the end. His chicken avocado sandwich was good, but nowhere near as delectable as the juicy, cheesy burger I had. Well, lets get back to the story of our first night back in Florida. To our dismay, none of the familiar faces were behind the bar. A friendly new girl made our pina coladas. Honestly, not the best one I’ve ever had there, but I’ll give her a free pass since it’s her first month. Half-way through the pina colada is when I started to realize how drunk I was getting.

I’ll continue the story in a second. Just want to say, The Rum Bar is great anytime, but the winter is really the best in my opinion. When it gets cool at night and you throw on a sweater or sweatshirt, sit around one of the three fire pits and just meet and chat with people from all over the map. Love connection or not, always an interesting evening. Okay, so the story. We ate our dollar oyster shooters at Spotos (a fantastic deal by the way), had our obligatory glasses of Riesling and headed to The Rum Bar for the aforementioned pina colada. Now maybe it was that we were wasted, I’m sure it was a contributing factor, but I think my stupidity was the key. After our one drink, we decided to leave. I suggested strongly to Maria that I give her a piggyback ride, she aquiesced, and I began to run down the wooden boardwalk in flip flops as fast as I could. Hard to see where this is going, right? I hooked a flop close to the exit, wavered for a couple of strides and knew we were going down. I shrugged her off to the left so she landed in the sand and fell HARD myself on my left side, mostly left elbow. Please, don’t try this at home, I’m a professional idiot. Thankfully, Maria came out unscathed. Me, not so much. The good news is Johnny Knoxville called, thinks I’d be a great fit for Jackass.

Jackass, thats an interesting and fitting word. As soon as Ross picked me up a lightbulb went off in my head. We are definitely going to fall, I thought to myself. My mistake was not voicing this and for that I sincerely apologize. Ross’ elbow looks like Russell Edgington’s face after being dug up (shout out to the True Blood fans that understand that reference). And I take back calling you a jackass because it was truly sweet how you flung me into the sand to ensure that I didn’t get hurt. We heard a lot of whoops and hollers from the bar – so luckily someone got some enjoyment out of it. Ross rallied and we went to his favorite pool hall, but the elbow is still raw and in pretty bad shape. Anyhow, I digress…the Rum Bar is fabulous. We love it and we will continue to go there for the wonderful drinks and atmosphere. Perhaps, we’ll just leave out the high speed piggy back rides.

Let’s take the “perhaps” out of that last sentence. I too am happy that a few lucky souls had some good laughs at our epic bag, too bad you didn’t record it, would’ve been You Tube gold. Last time for that, but certainly nothing close to our last time at the never disappointing Rum Bar.

Maria’s Rating: 4 Cocktail Napkins out of 5.

Ross’ Rating: 4.5 Cocktail Napkins.

Movie Review: BRAVE

Published July 13, 2012 by mrsrag

Starring the voices of: Kelly Macdonald, Billy Connolly, Emma Thompson.

PG. Animated. Running Time: 1 hour 40 minutes.

Sorry, we were on vacation in the great, hot North for a couple of weeks. Back to chilly Florida for a few, then off again. In the meantime, back to “work.” While we were gone we took Ethan to Disney Pixar’s Brave, the story of a young, gloriously redheaded Scottish Princess who desperately wants to live her life on her own terms, not the strictly arranged path her parents have laid out for her. Kelly Macdonald (Boardwalk Empire and the final Harry Potter installment) does a nice job with the voice of our heroine, Princess Merida, and her relationship with her mother Queen Elinor (Emma Thompson) is the backbone of the movie. When Merida ventures into the forest to ask an old witch for a spell to help her gain control of her own destiny, the fit hits the shan, and the movie takes a drastic turn. I usually love these movies. How To Train Your Dragon, by the same group, is one of my all time favorite animated films. And I by no means hated Brave, but it just fell short for me. I can’t put my finger on it. Hoping Maria will inspire me to find the right words after I read her first thoughts.

Brave is definitely worth the price of admission, but as Ross put it – it just fell short. I still enjoyed watching it, mostly because I could listen to those Scottish accents all day. Perhaps, I was unimpressed because it was just a variation on a theme that we have seen an endless number of times. It definitely added a different twist to the formula, but for the most part resembled a story I have seen reused ad nauseum. There were aspects of the film that made up for the formulaic plot, such as the breathtaking animation and visuals. I also found it very easy to relate to Merida’s character. The relationship between mother and daughter struck a chord with me as well. I would be leary of bringing very small children to view the film, as some of the violent action scenes were frightening even to the eight year olds accompanying us.

Oh absolutely. It wasn’t as bad as say The Hunger Games, where we were surrounded by 8-12 year olds. (Truly, I don’t know what some people are thinking, that movie was WAY too much for young kids.) But Brave did have several fairly scary moments during some of the bear scenes. At any rate, I think I’ve gotten to the reasoning behind my feelings for this movie. I’m fairly certain I’m evolved enough to thouroughly enjoy a movie with strong, dominant female leads, which Brave certainly has. I loved Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, for example. So that isn’t it. I’m pretty sure what is lacking in this film for me, is a villian. There is no one to hate. Nothing to root against. Merida’s parents mean well. The witch just gives you exactly what you want, maybe not how you want it, but she is not malevolent at all. There is a scary bear, but he isn’t what he seems, and he’s nowhere near the center of the story. You’d be hard pressed to think of an all-time great movie without a superior villian. We need somone to hate, and ultimately to vanquish. Brave is decent cinema. I would tepidly recommend you take your kid to see it, or go see it on your own if you love everything animated like I do. I’m guessing you’ll land somewhere close to me when you leave; wishing you went to see Madagascar 3 one more time instead.

Wow…Ross just blew my mind. He’s absolutely right. I didn’t hate anyone in the movie. I was rooting for something though. I wanted Merida and her mother to finally understand each other. I wanted them to communicate and figure out a compromise that met both of their needs. The villain was an intangible emotion. It was stubborness. And not just on account of her parents, but her own rigid demeanor. It took a heinous spell to teach them both a valuable lesson. The key to making any relationship work is communication. I think its so important to incorporate these life lessons into children’s entertainment and in that respect Brave was successful.

You’re right honey, the “villian” was an intangible emotion. Not exactly going to make us forget about Hannibal Lecter or The Wicked Witch of the West. I like my villians tangible.

Maria’s Rating: 3 out of 5 Gummy Bears.

Ross’ Rating: 2.5 Gummies.

Restaurant Review: BRIO Tuscan Grille

Published June 27, 2012 by mrsrag

Located in the Gardens Mall on PGA Blvd. in Palm Beach Gardens, FL. Phone (561) 622-0491.

www.brioitalian.com

Ross loves a good lunch spot and one of our personal favorites is the quaint and sophisticated BRIO. The best spot in the house is on the lovely patio underneath the cool breeze of the fans. Or right at the bar, if you happen to find an open seat. There are two certainties while visiting; the beef carpaccio as an appetizer and our ALL TIME favorite Riesling, Wente. We adore a Riesling. However, it was not always this way. I was devoted to red wine, but after moving down to balmly Florida, I rediscovered the refreshing effects of a chilled white. The Wente encompasses everything great about Riesling, medium sweetness with a dry finish. Crisp and fruity with gentle undertones. It is the perfect match to the robust and flavorful carpaccio.

As usual Maria, you have cut right to the chase. The Wente Riesling (we call it the George Wendt Riesling, in homage to Norm from Cheers) and the beef carpaccio, absolute must haves. BRIO is indeed quaint and sophisticated, which is quite unique for a chain restaurant with 50 locations in 20 states, the majority of which are located in malls. In Florida we have the most, 7, with 4 of those between this PGA locale and Gulfstream Park in Hallandale, an hour south. BRIO offers a wonderful alternative to the usual food court fare found at most malls. A relaxing and delicious sit down lunch, mid-afternoon snack or even dinner after a day of shopping. Or, in my case and even better, just stopping in without the shopping at all. The menu is diverse offering salads, fish, pasta, veal and lamb dishes for the meat lover. With nothing on the menu more than $28, you don’t have to tax that credit card too much more after the damage you did at the mall.

Somehow I knew Ross would pay homage to Norm. He’s a big Cheers fan. Ross got me started on the carpaccio, something I usually would never order. It is served with delicious field greens, capers, mustard aioli and Parmigiano-Reggiano. It’s light, delicious and a perfect first course. BRIO always has a great salmon special, but its difficult for me to shy away from the extensive salad menu. I was getting in the habit of ordering the strawberry balsamic chicken salad, but ventured onto something new during our last visit. And I was mighty impressed with my new found love: the BRIO sliced steak salad. They start with the always fresh mixed greens, ripe tomatoes, gorgonzola, mushrooms (which you MUST try sautéed), candied pecans and a creamy horseradish dressing. It is then topped with tenderloin that is grilled to perfection and a balsamic glaze. This will be a hard salad to upstage. The blending of flavors and ingredients is amazing. And one of my favorite things about it, is that they don’t skimp on the tasty treats. There is plenty of creamy gorgonzola and sweet pecans to go around. Something that most other places add sparingly to their salads. I love BRIO because when I leave there, I don’t feel guilty about what I’ve eaten, but I feel satiated. Something that is, more often than not, difficult to balance.

The salads are excellent and perfect for lunch. My favorite is the Tuscan Harvest Salad, which has grilled chicken, mushrooms, bacon, almonds, gorgonzola cheese, apples and dried cranberries topped with their Tuscan italian dressing. And as Maria mentioned, they give you plenty of the good stuff. Every bite loaded with the things you ordered the salad for in the first place. The lettuce is just filler and BRIO understands that. The fish dishes are excellent as well. The salmon never disappoints and they frequently have a mahi special which I customize by ordering it blackened (I think I could eat a shoe if it was blackened). On the menu it says: “To eat well is to live well.” Truer words were never spoken. Except possibly, “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.”

Maria’s Rating: 4 Wine Glasses out of 5.

Ross’ Rating: 3.5 Wine Glasses.

Movie Review (Recent DVD Release): The Grey

Published June 22, 2012 by mrsrag

Starring: Liam Neeson, Dermot Mulroney, Frank Grillo, Dallas Roberts.

R. Action/Adventure. Running time: 1 hour 57 Minutes.

We missed this one in the theaters, but as we are both Liam Neeson fans (truth be told, I have a borderline man-crush on the guy), we rented it out of our local Blockbuster machine at Publix right after it came out. Now I realize that Hollywood often lacks imagination, but this movie takes it to its worst levels. It is 100% a cross between the 1993 movie Alive (minus the cannibalism) and 1997’s The Edge with Alec Baldwin and Anthony Hopkins. 100%. Now I loved both of those movies, but come on, been there, done that. And both of those movies had something The Grey lacks; suspense, interesting plotlines, great acting. Other than Frank Grillo as Diaz, this is basically a one man show, and definitely not one of Liam’s shining moments. He sleepwalks through this one, and there isn’t one turn you don’t see coming a mile away. One word keeps going through my head, disappointed.

Honestly, The Grey NEVER grabbed me. There were a few fleeting moments of interest such as the violent plane crash and the appearance of the giant wolves, but Ross is right – it was a major disappointment. Perhaps I expect too much out of Neeson. I’m a big fan and I’m usually so impressed, but I guess I just prefer watching him do what I think he does best – beat the crap out of bad guys. Luckily, we only wasted $2 renting it. The most shocking element of this film was the dogged appearance of a very poorly aging Dermot Mulroney, he was almost unrecognizable as Talget.

Oh man I almost forgot, Dermot Mulroney! I didn’t even know it was him until Maria pointed him out to me halfway through the movie. Dude looks OLD. I really wanted to like this movie, but it was impossible. Boring and as I mentioned, the most blatant rip-off since Kevin Costner remade Road Warrior, on the ocean, with Waterworld in 1995. And Liam just doesn’t seem the same since his wife died. There’s just a constant twinge of sadness about him all the time. Maybe I’m imagining it, I still love the guy. Anyway, if you do take anything away from this review, it would be my wish that any of you out there who haven’t seen either Alive (based on the true story of the Uruguayan rugby team that crashed in the Andes), or The Edge (Alec Baldwin at his best and of course the always awesome Hopkins); make it a point to find them. Those two movies will not disappoint.

I found Alive a bit disturbing (the whole true story and eating people thing was a lot), but I absolutely loved The Edge. Anthony Hopkins was unbelievably charming as the uber intelligent Charles Morse. Quite frankly, instead of renting this painfully long and boring new release, do yourself a favor and look up the older films as Ross suggested. I found this film almost unbearable. At a running time of nearly two hours, I was surprised I didn’t doze off.

Maria’s rating: 1.5 Gummy Bears out of 5

Ross’ Rating: 2 Gummies. For Liam, even asleep he’s worth a deuce.